The Day's Journal

Finding beauty in the everyday pieces of life

marriage study

Marriage is Forever

0 · ·

A couple days ago I was watching some mindless entertainment brought to you by the wonder that is Netflix.  It was a show that was meant to be funny and fairly lighthearted but of course for entertainment value, there’s always a little drama.  This particular episode was centered on a husband and wife and a lie that the husband had be caught in.  It was a significant lie.  I would have been furious as a wife.  He definitely was in the wrong.  By the end of the half hour episode we see her walk out the door, leaving him and supposedly their marriage behind.  End of season, and possible the end of the marriage.

Marriage is Forever | TownLine Journal

Photography: Ashley Slater Photography

I understand that everything on television is a little more dramatic, otherwise us viewers would lose interest.  However, unlike what I can only assume might be many viewers, I was more appalled by her reaction than his lie.  Because this is what society is teaching us, that it’s okay to walk out when things aren’t going your way.  That marriage isn’t a permanent fixture in our lives.  Rather, it’s just something we enjoy in the good times – not necessarily the bad.

I was lucky and had good marriage role models who have been together over 4o years.  Not that everything I ever witness was perfect, but I saw that marriage is something that’s been built to last.  It’s not easy, but it is constant.  That’s how I entered my marriage, with the understanding that it was forever.  The end.

It comes down to this, what is a vow?  You took vows (or will take vows) on your wedding day.

Vow [vou]
noun
  1. a solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment:
marriage vows; a vow of secrecy.

 

And if you want to take that a little further, let’s look at the definition of promise.

 

            Promise [prom-is]
noun
  1. a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc., by one:
unkept political promises.
  1. an express assurance on which expectation is to be based:
promises that an enemy will not win.

 

When we talk about marriage, this is one subject where we should be able to use words like assurance and guarantee with absolute certainty.  There should be no question of whether your partner with be will you forever (or until death do you part).  It’s not as though this is an optional choice, and yet society would have us believe that there’s always an option. We’re taught to be selfish – which adds fear and doubt into our relationships.  We’re told that “we deserve more”, “we deserve better”, “we deserve to be happy”.  Why?  What makes you think that you deserve more than any other person on this planet?  There will be times of chaos, unhappiness and grief in your marriage.  I’m not saying that you “deserve” that – but your partner will wrong you at some point.  You will wrong them as well. I’m guilty and so is my husband.  No one is perfect, but if you stick with this guarantee, this vow and assurance that you made to one another and work through it, things can come out happier and better on the other side. You can be stronger together and work towards this life that you both “deserve”.  Because no one partner deserves more happiness than the other.

In case you had a rough weekend or are feeling like maybe marriage isn’t for you, I’m routing for you.  If you’ve already said “I do” then I believe that marriage is for you.  You can make it last it just might take even bit of stubbornness within you.  There isn’t an easy out and troubles are bound to last unless you work on them together.  Leaving your marriage behind will only bring more grief in the future.  Don’t let society and media get into your head and steer you wrong.  Find a marriage role model and grow old together.

For more marriage insights you can read 5 Stages of Love here, Marriage Planning here, Why Marriage? here and One Foot Out the Door here.  Or just search Marriage Study anywhere on my journal.  Let’s create strong & happy marriages together!

 

Planning Marriage

1 · ·

Working in the wedding industry means I’m surrounded by weddings and marriage all the time.  I devote my weekends in the summer to celebrating with couples and those long winter days to helping them decorate and plan.  But those days are devoted to the wedding, not the marriage.  We often use those words together, understanding how closely the two are related and sometimes even wrongly interchanging them, but they’re not the same, not even close.

Even doing what I do for a living, I wouldn’t call myself an expert in either of these areas, marriage or weddings.  There’s always more work to be done.  Always something more to learn.  Always an area for improvement.  Planning either of them is not easy.

7 years ago when I began writing in this little corner of the internet, I wanted to talk about the topic of marriage.  But my courage waivered.  I was barely more than a newlywed myself and what did I know?  The ironic part of that is I would write about wedding planning as if I knew something, and yet I knew so little, being in the baby stages of my planning business as well.

I still don’t think it’s an easy topic to chat about.  It’s much easier to write about changing leaves, decorating a new house or what flowers are in season on your wedding day.  It’s not nearly as superficial as these topics that I easily post about.  I’ve been quiet here because, well life is busy, but also because of the fight against what needs to be said.  Because it is a fight.  Each and every day, a fight to the death to keep your marriage alive.

When you’re first engaged, and are unsure of the first steps of planning a wedding, where do you turn?  One might ask their mom, their best friend or hire a professional.  There’s no shame in being uncertain of the steps needed to plan a wedding.  There are articles after article posted online and hundreds of magazines and similar publications dedicated to helping people plan this one day.  But it’s ONE day.

Who’s helping plan the marriage?  A marriage that is FOREVER?  Where are the exposés at the checkout lane promoting couples staying together, loving one another and never giving up?  It’s easier to degrade your spouse then lift them up.  It’s hard to admit that we don’t naturally know the secret to a successful marriage.  Loving one another isn’t quite as easy as it seems because we’re all selfish people and marriage is an act of selflessness, completely giving yourself to another person.  The idea of turning to an expert for help isn’t quite as socially acceptable.  So we all struggle.  Have days of failure.  And so many couples in the end, find it much easier just to give up.

I am one teeny tiny voice in a world of so many.  I have had good days of marriage and bad.  But I have a voice that understands the struggle and can sympathize with the battle that is before you.  So if you’ve ever read one of my articles about wedding planning, decorating a bedroom or setting a holiday table, I urge you to read up on marriage. How can I claim to be a lifestyle blogger if I won’t talk about this most important of topics?  What have you done for your marriage today?

Marriage Study | TownLine Journal

Photography: Cory Weber Photography

I wrote part of a series on our own marriage study early this year which you can read here.  For more reading I recommend starting 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman,  Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas and watching Ashely with Arrows & Bow’s Instagram highlights – Marriage Talk because YES to cherishing our husbands!

Marriage Study :: Mirrors

0 · ·

When was the last time you sat and analyzed your naked self in front of a mirror?  I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, this is something that I’d rather not do.  I have no interest in staring at my flabby belly, seeing the cellulite on my thighs or analyzing my less than toned arms.  I would much rather suck in my gut, zip up my pants and move on with my day – completely covered and pretending that those parts of me don’t exist.  In fact, back when I worked in a salon (I’m also a licensed cosmetologist, even though I no longer practice), one of the most challenging parts of working in that setting was the fact that I was always in front of a mirror.  Even if I wasn’t staring at myself, odds were, I was in someone else’s view and it drove me crazy.  I was bothered by my facial expressions (that I had no idea were so awkward), my hair going flat (I was constantly fluffing and adjusting) and by the end of the day I had seen my reflection so many times that I also hated my outfit and my appearance in general.  The reflection always showed me as the mess that I was.  There was no disguising it.

I’ve mentioned Gary Thomas’ book before that I’m currently reading, Sacred Marriage, and at one point he makes the comparison that your spouse is like a full length mirror standing in front of you exposing each and every one of your failings.  This is a huge truth bomb.  It’s such a good visual image.  If you’re not ready to deal with all of your imperfections, then don’t get married.  Because all your flaws will be on display and odds are at some point, your husband/wife will point them out to you.

Row boat engagment session

Photography: Samantha James Photography

This idea never crossed my mind before marriage.  I was so wrapped up in the love and excitement of the engagement that I never considered what it would be like for someone else to see every part of me, the good and the bad, in both a physical and emotional sense.  Secrets should no longer exist between man and wife.  I never thought about what was happening behind the closed doors of a marriage, besides the cliche 😉

The hope however, is that through this you become a better person.  By humbling yourself and allowing someone else to help you with those less than perfect pieces, you can experience true intimacy and teamwork, while also experiencing growth.  There are admirable traits that will carry over into other aspects of your life as well – openess, honesty, patience, forgiveness, loyality, respect and the list could go endlessly on.  Getting married can show off the best or the worst parts of a person, which one is up to you.

Catch up on the other posts in the series.  Read the intro here, 5 Stages of Love here and Why Marriage? here.

Marriage Study :: Why Marriage??

0 · ·

First off, I think it’s very important to understand that marriage was created by God.  It’s not just a piece of paper created by the government legally binding two people together.  God created woman for the man, she should be by his side.

The purpose in pointing this out is not to launch into a sermon, start a feminist debate or to cause any other form of an uproar.  I personally find it helpful to learn why we do something.  Sometimes traditions and sociality’s norms seemingly come out of nowhere or are merely something that’s programed in our brains from a young age.  It can be easy to get caught up in the planning and the romance and forget the purpose of the ceremony entirely.

Without knowing the “why”, sometimes it can be difficult then to figure out the “how”.  How do two people stay in love and stay married?  The statistics show that nearly half of couples don’t know how.

There was once a mother of the bride who confided in me.  She said that her daughter couldn’t give a reason why she was getting married.  From an outsider’s viewpoint, this sounds like a recipe for disaster.  But looking back, I’m trying to channel back to the 25 year old Shelby and try to remember why I wanted to get married so badly.   I suppose the answer is love and companionship, I really couldn’t imagine my future without my now husband.  I had been raised in thinking that someday I would get married, playing bridal dress up and preforming ceremonies with my Barbies since a very young age.  To me, it was just what two people did when they fell in love.  My parents seemed to love each other, Hollywood and all the fairytales told tales similar to this.  Clearly when I got married I would be rushing off into my love-filled, happily ever after.

However, this obsession type love is not the answer here.  Those flittering butterflies for your first crush are often defined as love and they WILL fade (you can read about the 5 stages of love here).  I cannot consider these real love.  I recently watched a video outlining a very brief history of marriage and learned that getting married for romantic reasons is a fairly new and modern concept.  I’d seen movies and read books where a woman was forced into a pre-arranged marriage and simply thought how ridiculous the concept was.  But knowing that the infatuation stage does in fact only last for an average of 2 years (living through this, I can certainly back up this theory), and then you have to learn to actually, really and truly love someone – somehow now this idea doesn’t seem so crazy.  I think you could just as easily learn to truly love, respect and appreciate anyone if our will is strong enough.  Of course, it certainly does help to have a little spark and perhaps they could even be good looking.  Just bear in mind that love is a conscious choice.

Now the reasons behind some of these pre-arranged marriages do seem a little odd, I’d hate to think that I was giving my daughter away because I needed a new cow or wanted to expand a plot of land.  I think that whatever family, wealth or other benefits might be had from a marriage, the main reason should be companionship.  It’s not good that man should be alone.  We are designed to complete one another.

Marriage Study | TownLine Journal | Cory Weber Photography

Photography: Cory Weber Photography

Our small group marriage study has presented another idea.  The idea that marriage was designed to make us holy and closer to God.  I’ve always been familiar with quotes and verses saying that we husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church.  That parallel is not new to me.  However, there are quite a few other similarities between our walk with Christ and marriage that I’ve never considered before.  I’m not going to go in depth this morning but just share one quick excerpt from Gary Thomas’ book, Sacred Marriage, he says,

 “If the purpose of marriage is simply to make me happy and enjoy an infatuation, then I’d have to get a new marriage every two to three years.  But I really wanted to see God transform me from the inside out, I’d need to concentrate on changing myself rather than on changing my spouse. In fact, you might even say, the more difficult my spouse proved to be, the more opportunity I’d have to grow.” (p. 24)

This is the theme of his entire book (which I haven’t read in entirety yet).  But just as the saying goes, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.  As cruel may sounds when applied to the marriage relationship, I think there’s some validity there.  It’s not easy, but I think because I have someone by my side – even if we don’t see eye to eye 100% of the time – it’s making me stronger, as a person, as a parent, as a mother, as a wife and as a Christian.