The Day's Journal

Finding beauty in the everyday pieces of life

before getting married

{Steps to the Altar} Defining Yourself

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Do you know who you are?  I mean, really know who you are???  Think about what makes you tick, your motivation in life and where you are headed down the road.  Now list three words or phrases that describe you (don’t think real long, just quick, what first jumps into your mind?)

Was one of those words wife, girlfriend or fiancé?  Do you like the sound of that?  Was his name placed in front of that (ex: I am Josh’s wife… not just wife)?  How does that make you feel?

Alright, I will stop with all the questioning, but I have a point.  Recently, I have been in several scenarios where I was asked to tell a little about myself.  My response is almost becoming robotic: wife, mother and small business owner with a Hospitality and Tourism Management degree… blah blah blah.  But who cares?  Is this how I am defined?  Is being Josh’s wife what defines me?  Wife is the first thing that comes to mind…

I read this quote yesterday from The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and it made this all come together so well, “…ancient biblical writings spoke of the husband and wife becoming one flesh.  That did not mean that individuals would lose their identity; it meant that they would enter into each other’s lives in a deep and intimate way.”

In order not to lose my identity, I had to first know who I am without Josh.  I rarely say I am Josh’s wife, that would imply that he owns me (for those of you who are a little less grammatical the apostrophe implies ownership).  I say that I am a wife, and we do belong together, but we are a team.  This is not an ownership game with us; it’s a life that we have built together.  That’s how we entered this marriage.  I can comfortably say this because I can still define myself without the use of my husband’s name; I know who I am, even if I do choose to label myself as “wife”.

Before you get caught up in the romance of an engagement and fulfilling your lifelong dream to walk down an aisle in a big white princess dress, make certain you know who you are and you have clearly established your own individuality.  Ensure you know what you are bringing to this marriage and what you expect in return.  Think of your dreams and aspirations (outside of love), will you be able to achieve these once you are married? Will you be able to work together to make these goals happen?  Or will you be asked to give these up?  Will you feel stifled and unhappy if you do have to give them up?  This may lead to resentment towards your spouse which may not end in a happy marriage.

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Photo by Kelly Lynne Photography

I am by no means an expert on the issue of marriage, so take my words lightly.  I just want to encourage you to know who you are, and not lose your inner glow once you walk down the aisle.  The perfectness of the “in-love” feeling is not going to last forever.  But it can be the foundation for something a whole lot bigger and better.  All relationships require a little give and take.  Just take care that they are the right sacrifices and you wouldn’t be left feeling empty and wanting more later on.

Now stop ready silly wedding blogs and go get married!  It’s time to make your own happily ever after!!!

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{Steps to the Altar} The Budget

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You’re engaged!  Let’s start planning – themes, venues, caterers, bridesmaids, dresses, flowers, colors, invitations, hotel rooms, hairstyles, cakes, bands, churches, officiants, coordinators, linens, photographers… and those are just the first few things that pop into your head!

Stop!  Take a deep breath.  Before you think about one more thing, the very first thing you MUST determine is your budget.  Your budget will define everything else about your wedding.

I know this is the day you’ve been dreaming about for most of your life.  Visions can get pretty elaborate.  By limiting how much money you have to spend on your wedding, you can narrow down options and avoid starting your future together in mountains of debt.  Know how much money you are able to afford.  Figure out how much your fiancé will contribute and if any contributions will be made by either of your parents.  Once you know how much you can spend, then you can start prioritizing.

If the photographer is the most important part of your wedding, start there.   Many couples find this the most important aspect of their wedding day, and rightfully so.  You’ll have these pictures for the rest of your life.  Make sure you not only love the photographer’s style, but their personality.  You need to feel at ease with your photographer, if you feel stiff and awkward around them, then your pictures will reflect that.

If the venue is the most important aspect to you, then find out how much your dream venue will cost, and see if its’ even a possibility on your budget.  But remember, venues also have rules regarding caterers and liquor and sometimes the other vendors that are allowed to provide services within their premises.  If these other vendors are going to drive your budget up, you might have to secure another venue.

Have an idea of how many people are on your guest list.  Most caterers price their meals per head; this will give you a better idea of how much the meal will actually cost, $20-50 a head might not sound like much until you multiply this by 200 guests.  One of the easiest ways to bring prices down is by condensing your guest list.  You are not obligated to invite everyone you know.  Nor are you required to ask people to come, simply because you attended theirs five years ago, when was the last time you even talked to them?  By keeping the affair smaller, not only will your budget be saved, but you will actually remember the people that were there and you can talk to every one of them.

A few facts to keep in mind:

  • The average wedding in the United States cost between $25,000-27,000.
  • Weddings in Kent County cost between $17,000-29,000, on average.  Click here for more details.
  • The average engagement ring cost $5,200
  • About 12% of couples spend more than $8,000 on the engagement ring
  • The average college graduate has about $20,000 debt
  • The average household income in Michigan is around $45,000
  • Financial problems are often cited as the #1 reason for divorce

Somehow the numbers don’t all add up for me…

So here’s a really old fashioned, crazy idea.  Once you’ve had that conversation with all parties paying for the wedding, and the budget established, and set in stone – use cash to pay for your wedding!  If you do not have the cash to pay for something, then don’t buy it, simple.

Weddings are a time of celebration.  Anyone with any amount of money can get married.  The key is not to burden yourself, piling on the debt before you even say “I do.”  Remember your plans for the future, plans that last a lot longer than one night.

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Photo by Shannon Scott Photography {Smug Shots}

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