The Day's Journal

Finding beauty in the everyday pieces of life

Marriage Study

It’s Just You and Me

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I found this picture as I was digging through wedding galleries last week.  It’s a soft and sweet sentiment for a wedding day and I love the idea that regardless of how anything else shakes out, it’s the two of us – husband and wife – together forever, two against the world.

It's Just You and Me | Marriage Quotes | TownLine Journal | Samantha James Photography

Photography: Samantha James Photography

However it’s not really been until recently I’ve really began to reflect on how important that is.  Coworkers, friends, life scenarios, they all come and go.  But marriage is forever, regardless of what’s going on in the world around you.  So you better pick someone amazing to be by your side, right?

I’ve really felt the impact of this lately.  I have different parenting philosophies, thoughts on love, political ideals and general ways of living life that many of those around me.  Not to say that my way or someone else’s way is better or worse, just different.  Everyone doesn’t see eye to eye and some days I feel like I’m constantly having to justify my reasoning to _________ (insert nearly anyone’s name here) for EVERY LITTLE DESCION I MAKE.  Having a spouse that gets you, whose line of thinking (for the most part) aligns with my own is so helpful.  There are enough battles in the world, I don’t need to add ones with my spouse to the list.

Even more so, is the realization that we’ve moved again.  My best friend is now 3 hours away.  Other friends are nearly as far.  Family is scattered throughout the state.  Phone calls and social media are great for connecting, but there’s an emptiness that they can’t fill.  There’s nothing quite like real human connections, an in person connection.  And if we’re being completely honest here, making friends as an adult is hard.  It never came easy to me a kid either, but if anyone had told me how much harder it would get with age, perhaps I’d have tried a littler harder back then?  Probably not, but it’s a thought.  I have my family around me day in and day out.  We have a busy little life so most days I don’t notice the lack of socialization.  But when I stop to think about it, I realize how crazy we were to move to a town I’d only ever heard about, an area that I had very little knowledge of and where we have zero friends and family nearby.  Plus working from home, it means that forced coworker acquaintances that could potentially turn into more, are nonexistent.

This isn’t a cry for help or someone to come and be my friend.  But rather, a reminder to hold onto the relationships you have.  It’s a note of gratitude for my husband and having someone constant by my side.  We may have chosen to move and leave some people that we love, but if we hadn’t left, that doesn’t mean that another circumstance in our life may not have changed.  There are so many moving pieces and variables in our lives that can vary in an instant.  This a note to encourage you to build a strong marriage, work and it and don’t rely on those around you for your happiness.  Create that happiness in your own home.  Every season of life isn’t the same, but right now it’s just me and my family doing life together.  And the battles that came in the earlier years have proven to strengthen the relationship we have right now, so that it can be just the two of us and the joy that doing life together brings.

Marriage is Forever

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A couple days ago I was watching some mindless entertainment brought to you by the wonder that is Netflix.  It was a show that was meant to be funny and fairly lighthearted but of course for entertainment value, there’s always a little drama.  This particular episode was centered on a husband and wife and a lie that the husband had be caught in.  It was a significant lie.  I would have been furious as a wife.  He definitely was in the wrong.  By the end of the half hour episode we see her walk out the door, leaving him and supposedly their marriage behind.  End of season, and possible the end of the marriage.

Marriage is Forever | TownLine Journal

Photography: Ashley Slater Photography

I understand that everything on television is a little more dramatic, otherwise us viewers would lose interest.  However, unlike what I can only assume might be many viewers, I was more appalled by her reaction than his lie.  Because this is what society is teaching us, that it’s okay to walk out when things aren’t going your way.  That marriage isn’t a permanent fixture in our lives.  Rather, it’s just something we enjoy in the good times – not necessarily the bad.

I was lucky and had good marriage role models who have been together over 4o years.  Not that everything I ever witness was perfect, but I saw that marriage is something that’s been built to last.  It’s not easy, but it is constant.  That’s how I entered my marriage, with the understanding that it was forever.  The end.

It comes down to this, what is a vow?  You took vows (or will take vows) on your wedding day.

Vow [vou]
noun
  1. a solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment:
marriage vows; a vow of secrecy.

 

And if you want to take that a little further, let’s look at the definition of promise.

 

            Promise [prom-is]
noun
  1. a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc., by one:
unkept political promises.
  1. an express assurance on which expectation is to be based:
promises that an enemy will not win.

 

When we talk about marriage, this is one subject where we should be able to use words like assurance and guarantee with absolute certainty.  There should be no question of whether your partner with be will you forever (or until death do you part).  It’s not as though this is an optional choice, and yet society would have us believe that there’s always an option. We’re taught to be selfish – which adds fear and doubt into our relationships.  We’re told that “we deserve more”, “we deserve better”, “we deserve to be happy”.  Why?  What makes you think that you deserve more than any other person on this planet?  There will be times of chaos, unhappiness and grief in your marriage.  I’m not saying that you “deserve” that – but your partner will wrong you at some point.  You will wrong them as well. I’m guilty and so is my husband.  No one is perfect, but if you stick with this guarantee, this vow and assurance that you made to one another and work through it, things can come out happier and better on the other side. You can be stronger together and work towards this life that you both “deserve”.  Because no one partner deserves more happiness than the other.

In case you had a rough weekend or are feeling like maybe marriage isn’t for you, I’m routing for you.  If you’ve already said “I do” then I believe that marriage is for you.  You can make it last it just might take even bit of stubbornness within you.  There isn’t an easy out and troubles are bound to last unless you work on them together.  Leaving your marriage behind will only bring more grief in the future.  Don’t let society and media get into your head and steer you wrong.  Find a marriage role model and grow old together.

For more marriage insights you can read 5 Stages of Love here, Marriage Planning here, Why Marriage? here and One Foot Out the Door here.  Or just search Marriage Study anywhere on my journal.  Let’s create strong & happy marriages together!

 

14 Ways to Celebrate Valentines Day (and those we love)

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We made it to February!  January was a really great month, until all the snow storms and cold hit – shutting down what seemed like the entire Midwest.  The latter part of the month dragged and while I know that winter isn’t over, there is some relief in knowing that we’ve survived the polar vortex of 2019 and hopefully there are warmer days ahead.

Days filled with love.

I work in the wedding and floral businesses.  So Valentine’s Day, it’s pretty huge.  I’m not doing any valentine’s florals this year (but maybe next?  We’ll see how the year plays out). Regardless, I think we all should celebrate.  However, that doesn’t mean I think we should all fall into the commercialized trap of Hallmark cards, overpriced chocolates and lacy little nighties – unless of course that’s what you want to do (there’s certainly nothing wrong with that!).  What I am saying, is we should always take time out of our schedule to celebrate love.  To savor it and to appreciate the love that we all have in our lives.  That might mean a spouse or significant other, but also the little loves that bring our homes to life.  We should honor each other’s love languages and create a day, or even month, reminding them just how loved and special they really are.

With that being said, I’m sharing 14 ideas to celebrate.  Whether you’re actually celebrating the holiday or need to just take a day (or 2) to focus on the people who are important to you.

14 Valentine's Ideas | TownLine Journal

1. At home date night

Valentine’s Day is in the middle of the week.  We all have work, kids, schedules, etc. and finding a baby sitting can be both difficult and expensive.  When it comes to date night, my husband and I rarely leave the house.  We spend the early evening with our girls, make them dinner and tuck them into be a couple minutes early (the advantage of having young children that can’t tell time yet) and then at 8:00pm our date night starts.  We’ll make up a charcuterie board for dinner, have a glass or two of wine and sneak off to our bedroom to watch a movie, play a board game and just enjoy a meal and time together.

2. Love notes

Leave a love note for your spouse somewhere in the house.  Have a note tucked in their bag/briefcase/coat pocket to find while their out in the world.  Have it waiting next to their toothbrush when they get up in the morning.  Wherever the placement, surprise them with a sweet note sharing how much you care and reminding them that even when their out in the world on their own, they will also come back to you.

Love Notes | Ciarra Claire Fine Art

Photography: K. R. Moreno | Calligraphy: Ciarra Claire Fine Art | Florals: Shelby of The Day’s Design

3. A note a day

This takes the idea above and stretches it out a little.  In this idea, for the two weeks up to Valentine’s Day, you leave a one line note every day sharing something that you love about your spouse.  By the time Valentine’s Day rolls around, they’ll know 14 (if you start today) little things that you love about them and start to feel really special.  This is a really significant idea if your spouses’ love language is words of affirmation.

4. Mini gifts

Last year, my husband and I decided that instead of doing a large valentine’s gift or exchanging cards and chocolates, we were going to do 14 mini gifts – one a day for the first 14 days of February.  They were small thoughtful gifts that didn’t cost much but were easy ways to say “I pay attention” and “I care.”  Some examples, a package of my favorite pens, some clothes pins (along with the promise to hang a new clothesline for me once the weather turned nice), chap stick, new earbuds – we chose practical things that we recognized would make our spouses’ lives just a little better and again, it was an easy way to show how much we really do pay attention to each other’s needs.  While it was fun giving and receiving something each day, it was almost more fun having something to look forward to each evening, knowing that we were carving a few extra minutes of out of our day for each other to do something just a little special.

5. Home cooked meal

Make your family’s favorite meal.  It might sound like such a simple gesture, but something that’s cooked with love is going to show them love.  It’s also a way to involve you children as well, giving everyone a taste of one of their favorite treats, making each person in your home feel loved.

6. Wine tasting date

We live in an area where wineries are very prevalent.  However, taking the time to actually explore them is not something that we often take time out of our schedule to do.  Going wine (or even beer tasting) is a relaxed and easy way to get out of the house and try something new, creating an experience together.

7. Let your spouse sleep in

Don’t we all wish for just a little more sleep?  Valentine’s falls on a week day this year, so maybe on that particular day it might not be possible, but what about gifting the promise of a quiet Saturday morning, staying in bed until noon.  It doesn’t get more inexpensive than that and it such a treat!  You could even top it off with serving a little breakfast in bed.

8. Get dressed up

I’ve come to the point in my life where I’m constantly in my “mom uniform”.  Jeans and/or leggings, big heavy winter sweaters and clothing that’s just practical for life.  We rarely leave the house as just the two of us and as much as I do try to do my hair and makeup and keep myself “presentable”, it’s certainly not the extent of getting dolled up like when we were first together.  So even if you’re not leaving the house, put a dress on, wear something nice and spend a little extra time to “wow” your spouse, reminding them of the of the girl they fell in love with.

8 1/2. Get More Dressed Up

We all know that lingerie and similar items are being highly promoted right now.  Something new is always a fun way to grab your spouses attention.  Or if you’re feeling a bit more daring, boudior photography is a gift that will knock his socks off.  I’ve done it and it was a very well recieved gift.  However, my piece of advice is find a photographer who’s work you love, you feel comfortable with and will make you feel like a godness.  It can be so tasteful and beautifully done as a work of art.  (You can read more about a boudior session I styled previously here.)

Tasteful Boudior Photography | Kelly Sweet Photography

Photography: Kelly Sweet Photography

9. Wine and cheese party

While spending a quiet night alone is the usual go-to idea for Valentine’s Day, it doesn’t have to be that way.  It’s a day about love and maybe there are more people in your life that you’d like to share that love with.  So why not host a party?  Invite some close friends over, have a little wine and cheese spread, ask everyone to bring their favorite rosé or bubbly and enjoy great conversation.  This is also a great way to include those single friends in your life who may often feel a little “unloved” on this day of the year – we’ve all been there.

10. Make breakfast

We talked about Valentine’s Day being on a week day this year.  Which means a normal day of work and school for most of us.  However, that doesn’t mean you can’t start the day off right with a big breakfast treat.  My husband usually sneaks out the door with a cup of coffee and a granola bar or banana, if he’s lucky.  Wouldn’t it be a pleasant surprise to have breakfast ready and waiting when he got out of bed that morning?

11. Light a candle

It’s that simple.  Candles smell good and instantly add a relaxing, romantic glow to any room.  What you do next is up to you 😉

12. Make heart shaped pizza

I have come to realize how many of these ideas revolve around food but what’s that saying – the way to a man’s heart is through is stomach?? – or something like that.  Making little heart shaped pizzas is festive for him and for the little ones in your life, plus, who doesn’t love pizza?

Or try heart cookies, homemade poptarts, muffins, cakes or any other food that you could turn into a heart (I even saw a post on how to cook heart shaped bacon!)

13. Do something around the house that your spouse finds a chore

Stay with me here – this is designed around the idea of preforming an act of service for your spouse.  Maybe cleaning the bathroom or taking out the trash is at the top of their list of hated household chores – so clean it for them.  Perhaps there’s some nagging happening about new wallpaper or lighting fixtures that need to be hung.  Can you imagine if you walked into your house after a long day away and it was perfectly cleaned from top to bottom?  I’d fall over with glee – what a great gift.  Can you reverse that and clean his car/garage/man cave?  Think of other little gestures that might be outside of your normal scope of duties but would make a big impact on their day.

Valentine's Love Notes | TownLine Journal

Photography: K. R. Moreno | Calligraphy: Ciarra Claire Fine Art | Florals: Shelby of The Day’s Design

14. I still do

Those 3 little words are huge.  It means time and time again, I would choose my husband, regardless of what the last 8 years of marriage have held.  Kel and Mel have an entire moment, with products designed to celebrate those little words.  Words that at times are so much stronger than saying “I love you” because we all know people who have walked about from other’s that they love, but these words bring us together over and over again.  Their website if full of sweet and thoughtful gift ideas.

Regardless of how you choose to celebrate or even if you prefer not to acknowledge this holiday, I encourage you to remember love and keep it at the forefront of your mind in all that you do.

Planning Marriage

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Working in the wedding industry means I’m surrounded by weddings and marriage all the time.  I devote my weekends in the summer to celebrating with couples and those long winter days to helping them decorate and plan.  But those days are devoted to the wedding, not the marriage.  We often use those words together, understanding how closely the two are related and sometimes even wrongly interchanging them, but they’re not the same, not even close.

Even doing what I do for a living, I wouldn’t call myself an expert in either of these areas, marriage or weddings.  There’s always more work to be done.  Always something more to learn.  Always an area for improvement.  Planning either of them is not easy.

7 years ago when I began writing in this little corner of the internet, I wanted to talk about the topic of marriage.  But my courage waivered.  I was barely more than a newlywed myself and what did I know?  The ironic part of that is I would write about wedding planning as if I knew something, and yet I knew so little, being in the baby stages of my planning business as well.

I still don’t think it’s an easy topic to chat about.  It’s much easier to write about changing leaves, decorating a new house or what flowers are in season on your wedding day.  It’s not nearly as superficial as these topics that I easily post about.  I’ve been quiet here because, well life is busy, but also because of the fight against what needs to be said.  Because it is a fight.  Each and every day, a fight to the death to keep your marriage alive.

When you’re first engaged, and are unsure of the first steps of planning a wedding, where do you turn?  One might ask their mom, their best friend or hire a professional.  There’s no shame in being uncertain of the steps needed to plan a wedding.  There are articles after article posted online and hundreds of magazines and similar publications dedicated to helping people plan this one day.  But it’s ONE day.

Who’s helping plan the marriage?  A marriage that is FOREVER?  Where are the exposés at the checkout lane promoting couples staying together, loving one another and never giving up?  It’s easier to degrade your spouse then lift them up.  It’s hard to admit that we don’t naturally know the secret to a successful marriage.  Loving one another isn’t quite as easy as it seems because we’re all selfish people and marriage is an act of selflessness, completely giving yourself to another person.  The idea of turning to an expert for help isn’t quite as socially acceptable.  So we all struggle.  Have days of failure.  And so many couples in the end, find it much easier just to give up.

I am one teeny tiny voice in a world of so many.  I have had good days of marriage and bad.  But I have a voice that understands the struggle and can sympathize with the battle that is before you.  So if you’ve ever read one of my articles about wedding planning, decorating a bedroom or setting a holiday table, I urge you to read up on marriage. How can I claim to be a lifestyle blogger if I won’t talk about this most important of topics?  What have you done for your marriage today?

Marriage Study | TownLine Journal

Photography: Cory Weber Photography

I wrote part of a series on our own marriage study early this year which you can read here.  For more reading I recommend starting 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman,  Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas and watching Ashely with Arrows & Bow’s Instagram highlights – Marriage Talk because YES to cherishing our husbands!

8 Years

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I had my makeup professionally applied.  I bought a new dress, squeezed into a girdle and curled my hair.  I added just the right amount of perfume and slid into my strappy sandals. And then my husband looked at me and said, “You have grey hairs.”Anniversary Session with Samantha James Photograph

As you can imagine, that was not the reaction I was going for.  But I’ve learned that marriage isn’t always the picture perfect, happily ever after, scenarios that we’re envisioned for ourselves.  There are good days and there are bad days.  There are days of triumph and so much defeat.

Today we celebrate 8 years of marriage.  While there’s much to say on the subject, I’m going to postpone my words and simply share this session that Josh and had taken together -just the two of us – last summer.

Anniversary Session with Samantha James Photograph Anniversary Session with Samantha James PhotographAnniversary Session with Samantha James Photography Anniversary Session with Samantha James Photography

For us, date night normally take place at home.  So that where these pictures were taken as well.  While I don’t normally wear heels on our walks down to the lake and our chippy old boat isn’t usually adorned with flowers, it was still fun to style a session right here in our own little slice of the world.

Anniversary Session with Samantha James PhotographyAnniversary Session with Samantha James PhotographyRow Boat photo Session | TownLine Journal Row Boat photo Session | TownLine JournalRow Boat photo Session | TownLine JournalRow Boat photo Session | TownLine Journal Row Boat photo Session | TownLine Journal Row Boat photo Session | TownLine JournalSummer Hats | Row Boat photo Session | TownLine JournalSummer Hats | Row Boat photo Session | TownLine JournalSummer Hats | Row Boat photo Session | TownLine Journal

Photography: Samantha James Photography | Floral Design: The Day’s Design | Makeup: Natural Beauty Salon

Want to know how we’ve made it 8 years so far?  Read 3 Tips for a Successful Marriage and follow along our Marriage Study.

Marriage Study :: One Foot Out the Door

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A couple months ago I was having drinks with some friends and colleagues who I admire very much.  They’re smart, educated women and total boss babes.  The conversation arose about changing your last name – sometimes as wedding planners we make the assumption that brides will and it’s gotten us into a couple of awkward situations.  As the conversation progressed, we discussed the various reasons why someone might not take on the groom’s name, these reason ranged from cultural beliefs, to a dislike of his last name, hyphenating names, changing your maiden name to your middle name to accommodate his last name, using alternative last names and I’m sure there were a few other reasons.  But the one that really stood out was “because you just never know what might happen”.

I said “What!?  Isn’t that like getting married with one foot already out the door?”

Marriage Study | TownLine Journal

Photography: Samantha James Photography

To them, it seemed like common sense and smart thinking.  But ever since that day, I simply cannot help but think that maybe this is what is wrong with so many marriages, they already have an escape route in place.  There’s an easy way out, they won’t even have to humble themselves and admit failure because their name won’t change, and no one really has to know.  White pages, Facebook, Linked In – your whole public identity never even needs to know.  I’m finding myself coming to the age where I actually have divorced friends and acquaintances, and some I didn’t even know of because they never changed their Facebook names but maybe they never legally changed their names at all???

The real issue here is not whether you should make a relationship status “Facebook official” or not.  The point that really like to consider is how much of yourself are you willing to give to your partner? This also is not a debate about whether it’s antifeminist to change your last name.  I believe that women are strong, should be business owners, think for themselves and have rights. No they don’t need to stay home and keep a tidy house, taking care of only the kids and reverting back to 1950s housewife status. But this is all about whether or not you’re willing to fully, completely, 100% give yourself to your partner.  You give all of yourself, regardless of whatever might happen. Because if you’re not, I’m afraid that this marriage is a recipe for disaster.

I can’t even fathom the idea of getting married if I had any doubts. I wouldn’t do anything without putting my all into it and I think that sense of determination needs to also be approached with marriage. Marriage takes humility and work.  Compromise becomes a huge piece of the puzzle.  Yes, you will find little pieces of yourself slowly dying off, having to bend to someone else’s needs and at some point you may feel like you’re “loosing yourself.” But in that fact, something else has been born.  There’s a new person that would have never existed without the marriage relationship.  And this is someone who is not alone.  At this point you belong to something greater.  Two have become one.

Marriage Study :: Mirrors

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When was the last time you sat and analyzed your naked self in front of a mirror?  I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, this is something that I’d rather not do.  I have no interest in staring at my flabby belly, seeing the cellulite on my thighs or analyzing my less than toned arms.  I would much rather suck in my gut, zip up my pants and move on with my day – completely covered and pretending that those parts of me don’t exist.  In fact, back when I worked in a salon (I’m also a licensed cosmetologist, even though I no longer practice), one of the most challenging parts of working in that setting was the fact that I was always in front of a mirror.  Even if I wasn’t staring at myself, odds were, I was in someone else’s view and it drove me crazy.  I was bothered by my facial expressions (that I had no idea were so awkward), my hair going flat (I was constantly fluffing and adjusting) and by the end of the day I had seen my reflection so many times that I also hated my outfit and my appearance in general.  The reflection always showed me as the mess that I was.  There was no disguising it.

I’ve mentioned Gary Thomas’ book before that I’m currently reading, Sacred Marriage, and at one point he makes the comparison that your spouse is like a full length mirror standing in front of you exposing each and every one of your failings.  This is a huge truth bomb.  It’s such a good visual image.  If you’re not ready to deal with all of your imperfections, then don’t get married.  Because all your flaws will be on display and odds are at some point, your husband/wife will point them out to you.

Row boat engagment session

Photography: Samantha James Photography

This idea never crossed my mind before marriage.  I was so wrapped up in the love and excitement of the engagement that I never considered what it would be like for someone else to see every part of me, the good and the bad, in both a physical and emotional sense.  Secrets should no longer exist between man and wife.  I never thought about what was happening behind the closed doors of a marriage, besides the cliche 😉

The hope however, is that through this you become a better person.  By humbling yourself and allowing someone else to help you with those less than perfect pieces, you can experience true intimacy and teamwork, while also experiencing growth.  There are admirable traits that will carry over into other aspects of your life as well – openess, honesty, patience, forgiveness, loyality, respect and the list could go endlessly on.  Getting married can show off the best or the worst parts of a person, which one is up to you.

Catch up on the other posts in the series.  Read the intro here, 5 Stages of Love here and Why Marriage? here.

Marriage Study :: Why Marriage??

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First off, I think it’s very important to understand that marriage was created by God.  It’s not just a piece of paper created by the government legally binding two people together.  God created woman for the man, she should be by his side.

The purpose in pointing this out is not to launch into a sermon, start a feminist debate or to cause any other form of an uproar.  I personally find it helpful to learn why we do something.  Sometimes traditions and sociality’s norms seemingly come out of nowhere or are merely something that’s programed in our brains from a young age.  It can be easy to get caught up in the planning and the romance and forget the purpose of the ceremony entirely.

Without knowing the “why”, sometimes it can be difficult then to figure out the “how”.  How do two people stay in love and stay married?  The statistics show that nearly half of couples don’t know how.

There was once a mother of the bride who confided in me.  She said that her daughter couldn’t give a reason why she was getting married.  From an outsider’s viewpoint, this sounds like a recipe for disaster.  But looking back, I’m trying to channel back to the 25 year old Shelby and try to remember why I wanted to get married so badly.   I suppose the answer is love and companionship, I really couldn’t imagine my future without my now husband.  I had been raised in thinking that someday I would get married, playing bridal dress up and preforming ceremonies with my Barbies since a very young age.  To me, it was just what two people did when they fell in love.  My parents seemed to love each other, Hollywood and all the fairytales told tales similar to this.  Clearly when I got married I would be rushing off into my love-filled, happily ever after.

However, this obsession type love is not the answer here.  Those flittering butterflies for your first crush are often defined as love and they WILL fade (you can read about the 5 stages of love here).  I cannot consider these real love.  I recently watched a video outlining a very brief history of marriage and learned that getting married for romantic reasons is a fairly new and modern concept.  I’d seen movies and read books where a woman was forced into a pre-arranged marriage and simply thought how ridiculous the concept was.  But knowing that the infatuation stage does in fact only last for an average of 2 years (living through this, I can certainly back up this theory), and then you have to learn to actually, really and truly love someone – somehow now this idea doesn’t seem so crazy.  I think you could just as easily learn to truly love, respect and appreciate anyone if our will is strong enough.  Of course, it certainly does help to have a little spark and perhaps they could even be good looking.  Just bear in mind that love is a conscious choice.

Now the reasons behind some of these pre-arranged marriages do seem a little odd, I’d hate to think that I was giving my daughter away because I needed a new cow or wanted to expand a plot of land.  I think that whatever family, wealth or other benefits might be had from a marriage, the main reason should be companionship.  It’s not good that man should be alone.  We are designed to complete one another.

Marriage Study | TownLine Journal | Cory Weber Photography

Photography: Cory Weber Photography

Our small group marriage study has presented another idea.  The idea that marriage was designed to make us holy and closer to God.  I’ve always been familiar with quotes and verses saying that we husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church.  That parallel is not new to me.  However, there are quite a few other similarities between our walk with Christ and marriage that I’ve never considered before.  I’m not going to go in depth this morning but just share one quick excerpt from Gary Thomas’ book, Sacred Marriage, he says,

 “If the purpose of marriage is simply to make me happy and enjoy an infatuation, then I’d have to get a new marriage every two to three years.  But I really wanted to see God transform me from the inside out, I’d need to concentrate on changing myself rather than on changing my spouse. In fact, you might even say, the more difficult my spouse proved to be, the more opportunity I’d have to grow.” (p. 24)

This is the theme of his entire book (which I haven’t read in entirety yet).  But just as the saying goes, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.  As cruel may sounds when applied to the marriage relationship, I think there’s some validity there.  It’s not easy, but I think because I have someone by my side – even if we don’t see eye to eye 100% of the time – it’s making me stronger, as a person, as a parent, as a mother, as a wife and as a Christian.

I Still Do

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Last week my husband and I celebrated Valentine ’s Day all week – you could say it was our week of love.  Each day, we had to give each other a small but thoughtful gift, 5 gifts in total.  I don’t know what it was like in the beginning of your relationships, but I remember lots of romantic gestures in the beginning.  Thoughtful gifts without reason, dates beginning with bouquets of flowers and extravagant dinners.  10 years later, the scene has changed a little.  That doesn’t mean romance is gone, it’s just shifted.

I think the best part of it was realizing that even through the un-fun parts of life, through the moves, job changes, children and general chaos that often fills our lives – I don’t want time to turn back.  It’s fun to reminisce about the beginning but there was a lot of un-fun there too.  There’s no such things as a perfect relationship and as with any good thing, it takes work.

The best part of right now is knowing that we’ll always be there for one another, no matter what life brings.  It’s the comfort in the commitment.  I hold the knowledge that given the choice, we would both do it all over again.

And to prove it, Josh re-proposed to me over the Christmas holiday.

I Still Do | Christmas Proposal | Cory Weber Photography

For the past two years, I have been unable to wear my engagement/wedding ring set.  The reason why is an entirely different story of not being properly educated by your jeweler and trying to save a few pennies.  I’ve been wearing a random piece of jewelry on that finger, switching it out depending on the day and simply imagining what wearing a ring on that figure is supposed to represent.

My old ring had lots of sentimental value and while I wanted something wearable, I was struggling with the idea of giving it up.  I remember the day he first proposed, the day a wedding band was added and while I know I shouldn’t be so attached to “things” – I am definitely a person that associates items with memories and this one held a lot of memories.

Knowing all of this, my husband had it reset.  He used the same stone and worked with a local jeweler to simplify a design that I could wear for years to come.  He also purchased an estate wedding band to pair with my “engagement ring”.  Then a couple days before Christmas, he asked me out on a date.  We took a walk to see a really pretty Christmas tree that my mom had mentioned was in the venue that we happened to host our wedding reception at (and we’ve often visited from time to time). Once inside, he got down on one knee with my new ring and asked me to stay his wife – all with Cory Weber hiding nearby capturing the entire thing. He (Cory) then stuck around for a few more photos and we had the engagement session that we’d never had years earlier.

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Photography: Cory Weber Photography | Proposal Venue: The Old Art Building in Leland, Michigan

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin

Marriage Study :: 5 Stages of Love

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I recently learned that one of my brides is getting divorced.  I my first reaction was very judgmental, I felt like they must have just given up.  They were only married for 2 years, how could they possibly think that was long enough to even try to give their marriage a fair try?

Of course I don’t know the day to day happenings in their lives, what arguments or situations may have lead them to this point.  It is certainly wrong of me to judge.  I’m not living in their shoes.  But I was raised and stand by the belief that divorce simply is not an option.  However, persistence is.

If you Google the 5 Stages of Love – you’ll find article after article detailing the 5 phases that relationships cycle through.  These certainly aren’t original thoughts of mine but I can’t help but wonder if others knew more about these stages and knew what to expect as their live together merge, that maybe this would help as trouble is certain to arise.

  1. Falling in Love

This seems easy.  Everything is bliss and butterflies and seems like the most exciting part of a relationship.  Everything is new and fresh and we aren’t annoyed by quirky habits.  There’s a hormonal rush and passion is alive.  It’s a feeling that we’re sure will last forever and we cannot imagine living without the other person.

I can still remember the night that I first realized I loved my husband.  It was a night spent at my apartment, just the two of us talking about our hopes and dreams and what we wanted out of life.  We had been dating for a few months and it was like a scene from a romantic movie – the moment that two characters look deeply into each other’s eyes and they just know.  The reason we watch those types of movies is because sometimes they’re true or at least we hope they are.  I spent years searching for this moment. Life can really be a fairytale, right?

  1. Becoming a Couple

Most people wed during the falling in love stage, so it’s during the first couple years of marriage that they truly become a couple.  Lives are merged and two truly become one.

Other couples date a little longer and might “become a couple” might actually take place prior to the wedding.  When exactly this phase of love happens isn’t important, what is important is the trust and comfort that’s found in this relationship.  There’s security and a deeper sense of who each other is.

After two years of dating, we got married.  We purchased and home and moved in  together.  We began blending everything.  Our collage décor, mismatched dishes, routines and schedules.  There’s much that happens during this time.  And I blissfully thought that this was going to be amazing.  I finally had a house of we could call home, after 7 years of living on my own, moving from boring apartment to apartment, now we’d have something that we could remodel and make ours.  I thought this would be a great bonding experience and something we’d be proud of, because it would be ours.

  1. Disillusionment

This stage was unexpected for me.  I have a feeling it might hit a few others as a surprise as well.  In fact, when I Googled the 5 Stages of Love caption after caption appeared about couples getting stuck on Stage 3.  I can absolutely see this happening.

Apparently this is when it all comes crashing down.  One might start questioning everything, does he love me?  Did I marry the right man?  Why isn’t he talking to me?  What did I do?  These feelings might slowly start creeping in or perhaps a switch just flips in your relationship.

For us, this was about year 4-5 in marriage.  I don’t really remember why it started or what made me start to question everything about my marriage.  What I do remember is the numbness and so many tears.  I remember feeling as though I simply had a roommate. I felt underappreciated and stuck. While we fought some, sometimes it was more of a lack of communication that drained me.  We would only say what absolutely had to be communicated and nothing more.  We now had a daughter, and there was talk of having another but I was terrified.  We were now a family, shouldn’t we be happy?  I never really thought that quitting was an option, but I was exhausted and desperately wanted to feel better.  I thought the rest of my life might be summed up by simply tolerating each other rather than actually feeling love.

5 Stages of Love | The Day's Dream Journal | Cory Weber Photography

Photography: Cory Weber Photography

  1. Real Love

Keep pushing on.  That’s what we did.  One day we connected, and a switch flipped in our relationship.  Suddenly, we felt really connected and dare I say, happy?  For us, I can literally pin point 1 day in July when the disillusionment ended and I felt love again.  That’s not to say that I still don’t have days when I’m less than enchanted by my husband, but there’s a peace that’s within me knowing that we can make it through anything.

Sometimes I’m saddened by the fact that I know I’ll never feel the excitement of a new relationship again.  But having a real love is totally worth never feeling those flutters again.  And that’s not to say that I don’t still get excited by my husband, there’s still fun, surprises and excitement – sometimes it just takes a little extra work to keep things new.

  1. Commited Love that Changes the World

I can’t comment much on this stage, I don’t think we’re here.  I would say our relationship is comfortably sitting in stage 4 right now.  However using your love to change the world sounds like a pretty amazing idea.  Not that I think we can change the entire world, but perhaps we should think on a smaller, more local scale.  How can we help our community?  How can we work together for the greater good?

Here’s what I don’t know. I don’t know what’s on the road ahead for us.  Part of me feels like we’ve got a lot of married life ahead of us.  While I think we’ve finally figured out how to work together and we’re in a really good place, I think there could possibly be another dose of stage 3 that creeps in.  But I know we can work through it and come out stronger on the other side.  I certainly don’t expect it to be smooth sailing from this point on.  I’m realistic enough to know that we’re two separate people with two separate identities trying to do life together, so at some point there’s bound to be conflict.

My words of caution – know that stage 3 WILL come and be prepared.  But you CAN preserve.  Of course it’s scary, not knowing when or where it will start or how it will end.  But we need to build each other up and encourage one another.  Have a good support system and be committed to working through your struggles knowing that a love even better waits on the other side.

for more reading, some here are some of my sources for this article – menalive, david wolfe and this one outlines the stages slightly different, yet the main point is still the same love at first fight

Marriage Study

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Marriage Study | The Day's Design

Photography: Samantha James Photography

I am a wedding planner.  Being as such, I find myself saying cliché things like “I hope you have a marriage more beautiful than your wedding.” I don’t wish those thoughts upon you just because it sounds nice or because I want to be cliché, but rather, I think and express notions like this because I truly mean them.  This is my hope for each and every couple that I meet, work with, provide wedding services for and then often befriend.  The truth is, marriage is hard and you need as much support and well wishes sent your way as possible.

It has come to my attention though that perhaps I’m not doing all I can to make a good marriage part of your reality.  My hypocrisy is that once the last candle is burnt out and the rentals have been returned, I act as though my job is done.  I share all sorts of wedding planning dos and don’ts, tips and tricks here in my little corner of the internet, but never offer any marriage advice. That sort of makes me a hypocrite.

In my own defense, I don’t feel as though I’m qualified for this position.  I’ve been married 7 ½ years, which hardly makes me an expert.  I have not spent every day of those 7 ½ years fully loving my husband, in fact there have been days that I didn’t want to be near him, touch him, look at him or even say 2 words to him… at least not nice words.  I don’t know what your expectations for married life are, but these certainly were not mine.

We have started a marriage study with a small group in our church. Our marriage is not in trouble or anything like that and there’s no particular reason why this topic was chosen for our group, but there’s always something more to learn and some way to better ourselves. Which I think is the perfect opportunity to rectify this situation of marriage silence in this space.  I’m not going to pretend to be a know-it-all or act like I have my life together.  However, I think it takes a village to make life work and marriage is a huge piece of our lives.  Maybe we can find community together and learn and grow together.  I’ve already felt inspired by just the first week and would love to share that inspiration with you.